The Love Dance
At the core of our nature, we are human beings made for connection: to be seen, to be heard, to be accepted, and to be loved.
Our Most Important Bond
Love is one of the most essential aspects of our lives. Yet, we find ourselves struggling more than ever in what feels like a pandemic of loneliness—driven by emotional avoidance, unavailability, and hyper-independence. Modern technology doesn’t help; we often mistake communication for connection and social media engagement for validation. As we increasingly rely on technology, we distance ourselves from our authentic nature and the true connections we crave. We live in a fast-food culture where the good stuff takes time.
Looking back at your dating history, what patterns do you notice? Have you been navigating those push-pull, hot-cold dynamics? Maybe it’s premature connections, romanticising partners, or running away at the first sign of commitment.
Wired for Connection, Yet Conditioned for Distance
As human beings, we are wired for connection. It’s in our DNA to form bonds and seek emotional intimacy. However, we often celebrate hyper-independence, which goes against our natural inclination for love and attachment. Many of us have been conditioned not to want love, a response rooted in fear and insecurity. This is where attachment theory comes into play.
The Blueprint for Love
Attachment styles are rooted in science and can explain a great deal about the kind of people you attract and why you behave as you do in relationships.
Psychologist John Bowlby introduced the concept of attachment theory, which suggests that how we bond with our caregivers in childhood forms a blueprint for how we engage in relationships as adults.
“From the cradle to the grave,” this attachment bond, initially forged between child and caregiver, can mirror the same type of bond we form with romantic partners. Hear me out on this!
A child who feels secure and loved by their caregiver is more likely to form secure attachments later in life. Inconsistent or unavailable caregiving can lead to anxious or avoidant attachment patterns. These attachment styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant—shape how we view ourselves, others, and love itself. Which attachment style are you?
- Secure Attachment: If you feel safe forming relationships, trust others easily, and can express your needs without fear, you likely have a secure attachment style. You’re comfortable with closeness, confident in your connections, and can be yourself.
- Anxious Attachment: If you often crave closeness but fear rejection or feeling insecure, you may have an anxious attachment style. You might feel sensitive to how others respond to you and worry about whether they genuinely care.
- Avoidant Attachment: If you value your independence and avoid emotional closeness, especially when things get too intimate, you may have an avoidant attachment style. You likely find keeping your distance more comfortable than diving into deep connections.
Attachment Styles: The Lens Through Which We Love
Your attachment style becomes the lens through which you view relationships. It dictates your expectations, desires, and fears in love. It also shapes projection and perception—the meaning we assign to people’s behaviours. For example, how often have you received a text message and interpreted it in a way that wasn’t intended, based on your beliefs and experiences? Our attachment style shapes the way we see the world.
Healing Attachment Wounds for Deeper Connection
Understanding our attachment style and the underlying wounds is key to transforming our relationship patterns. Without this awareness, we risk unconsciously repeating patterns from our past, recreating the emotional dynamics we experienced in childhood. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It’s harsh but true: what we are not changing, we are choosing. But we are dynamic beings. We can rewire, choose healing, and choose change.
When we bring our attachment wounds to light and work towards healing, we unlock the potential for secure and healthy love. We learn to move from co-dependency or hyper-independence to true interdependence—a balanced, mutual partnership where love thrives. Every relationship starts with us.
The Romantic Dance: Moving Towards Interdependence
Romantic relationships are a beautiful dance, though not perfect. When we heal our attachment wounds, we allow ourselves to become vulnerable, with love and connection driving us, no longer fear. Fear takes the passenger seat, not the driver! Sounds good, right?
Attachment as the Foundation
Our core attachment style dictates our relationships in all areas of our lives: family, friendships, work dynamics, and romance. When healing your attachment wounds and styles, start with your friendships, where you can show up as your most authentic self—practice vulnerability. Be curious about those relationships where you don’t feel safe showing up fully and consider your need for boundaries there. Secure attachment should be the goal for us all, to have the most authentic and meaningful connections. When you think of the people who see you, with whom you feel comfortable showing up, who do you think of?
What attachment style resonates with you? How do you see it playing out in your relationships?
By Nina Mandair, Empowerment Coach and Retreat Leader
She embarked on a mission to heal herself and transform her patterns in love, and now she’s dedicated to helping every woman she can to thrive. As a certified Sex, Love, & Relationship Coach with a Master’s degree in Psychology, human behaviour is her expertise.
Nina specialises in healing relationship patterns and trauma. Her unique, holistic approach has guided countless women on a transformative journey toward self-love and worthiness. She leads luxury retreats in Aruba, creating an inspiring space ideal for deep coaching, personal growth and fun!
You can access Nina’s Free Dating Red Flags training here.
