“How do you heal?” is one of the questions I’m asked most frequently. From my personal and professional experience, I’ve found it boils down to four key elements: a genuine desire for change, knowledge of how we became the way we are, the awareness to catch ourselves in real-time, and finally, transformation. Let’s explore these steps, beginning with the all-important first one.

Desire for Change

Healing always starts with a genuine, heartfelt desire for change. Without it, no amount of talking, reading, or advice will create meaningful transformation. We must want it for ourselves, and we can’t force it on anyone else. Real change and healing come from that deep, personal place within.

Often, this desire arises from an adverse situation or a “rock bottom” moment—when we realise we cannot keep repeating the same patterns without harming ourselves in the process. For me, it was a repeated experience in love: I became utterly consumed and addicted to someone who treated me terribly. I kept running, looking for external escapes, until one day, I was so fed up with my behaviour that I finally surrendered and turned inward; I had to work out why I was the way I was and why struggle-love was my pattern. The heartbreak was too much to bear, and that’s when I knew I had to change.

Change is hard, so the desire must run deep and be truly meaningful to you. This is also why we can’t change anyone else: it has to come from them. You’ll likely be disappointed if you wait for someone else to “evolve” or hope they’ll transform into a different person. That desire must come from within them.

Sometimes, we repeat the same behaviours repeatedly, only to end up exhausted, drained, and still unfulfilled. Or perhaps a life-altering event forces us to reevaluate our priorities, reminding us how short life can be. Whatever shape it takes, this catalyst sparks the decision that something has to shift. It’s that moment when we say, “I can’t do this anymore,” and indeed mean it. This desire for change propels us forward and sets the stage for everything that follows.

Knowledge of Self: Understanding Your Wiring

Once you’ve acknowledged that you’re ready to heal, the next step is gaining knowledge of yourself. This means taking a good, honest look at how your past experiences—everything from your childhood and family dynamics to societal and cultural influences—have wired you. These factors form your conditioning and shape your beliefs about yourself, the world, and others.

  • Childhood Imprints: Many of our core beliefs about love, worth, and safety stem from what we saw, heard, or experienced when we were young.
  • Societal & Cultural Influences: The norms, values, and expectations around us can reinforce certain beliefs, even if they’re unhelpful.
  • Repeating Patterns: If you notice similar issues or relationships cropping up repeatedly, it’s often because deep-rooted, unconscious beliefs are quietly running the show.

Gaining this knowledge can feel liberating because it sheds light on why you think, behave or react in specific ways. It also helps lift the shame that many of us carry, as we realise our behaviours were often survival mechanisms rather than personal failings—many of which others passed on to us.

Awareness: Catching Patterns and Choosing Again

Awareness is where healing starts to take root. Once you understand your conditioning, you can spot those old patterns in real-time. It’s one thing to reflect on your past; it’s another to catch yourself when you’re about to repeat an old behaviour or thought spiral.

  • Observe Triggers: Notice what sets off familiar reactions—maybe you feel unworthy, defensive, or anxious. Ask yourself, “What meaning am I giving this?” Often, it’s the meaning we assign to an event, not the event itself. Step back, observe the situation, and analyse your response.
  • Pause Before Reacting: In that split second of awareness, you have a choice: continue down the old path or try something different. We can either react automatically or pause and respond consciously.
  • Practice, Practice, Practice: Lasting change doesn’t happen overnight. You rewire your neural pathways each time you catch yourself and decide to choose again. This is conscious evolution: you pick your thoughts and behaviours and choose alignment with your desires. Over time, these new choices become second nature—one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Awareness isn’t about never slipping up; of course, we will fall back on our default patterns from time to time. We’re human, and we’re messy. It’s about falling down nine times and getting up ten. It’s about gently noticing when it happens and practising a different response. This is how real behavioural (and emotional) shifts begin to embed themselves in your life.

Transformation: Rewiring Your Mind and Body

When genuine desire, self-knowledge, and consistent awareness are combined, transformation naturally follows. It’s not a single event but a continuous process of evolving, rewiring, and, in many ways, reparenting yourself for the life you truly want.

The Mind-Body Connection

Healing isn’t just an intellectual exercise; it involves your entire being. We store trauma and old emotional patterns in our bodies, especially within our nervous systems. That’s why a holistic approach is so powerful:

  • Somatic Practices: Techniques like breathwork, grounding exercises, or gentle movement help release stored stress and trauma.
  • Neural Rewiring: Each time you choose a healthier thought or behaviour, you strengthen new neural pathways and weaken old ones.
  • Self-Compassion: Offer yourself the love and understanding you might not have received in the past. This nurturing approach accelerates the healing process.

Therapy and Beyond

Therapy can be a wonderful space to talk through experiences, but sometimes, talking alone may not reach those deeper subconscious layers. Integrating holistic modalities—like somatic work or mindfulness—bridges the gap between mind and body, speeding up transformation. By gently shifting out of the thinking mind and into the body, you can access and heal core wounds that traditional talk therapy alone might overlook.

Final Thoughts

This four-step process—desire for Change, Knowledge of Self, Awareness, and Transformation—lies at the heart of true healing. There are no quick fixes, but transformation happens when we consciously create by unearthing the unconscious and rewiring ourselves to align with our deepest desires.

  1. Desire: Acknowledge you’re ready.
  2. Knowledge: Understand why you are the way you are.
  3. Awareness: Catch yourself in the moment and choose again.
  4. Transformation: Embrace a holistic mind-body approach to embed lasting change.

Remember that healing is both a personal and, often, communal journey. Support from coaches, therapists, or loved ones can offer a safe container as you navigate these shifts. What matters most is feeling ready and committed to seeing it through.

Here’s to you, your healing and the beautiful transformation that unfolds when you say yes to a life lived with awareness, compassion, and authentic love—for yourself and those around you.

 

By Nina Mandair, Empowerment Coach and Retreat Leader

She embarked on a mission to heal herself and transform her patterns in love, and now she’s dedicated to helping both men and women do the same. As a certified Sex, Love, and relationship Coach with a Master’s degree in Psychology, human behaviour is her expertise.

Nina specialises in healing relationship patterns and trauma. Her unique, holistic approach has guided countless people on a transformative journey toward self-love and worthiness. She leads luxury retreats in Aruba, creating an inspiring space ideal for deep coaching, personal growth and fun!

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