I have reflected back over my life so many times during my 12.5 stones weight loss. I often wonder was there a cause of it?  

I know that ,my lack of self- worth and self- esteem was a trigger to binge on food but I could have been addicted to anything, so why food? 

When I look back at my childhood I had always associated food with love and feeling loved by others. Both My Mum and Paternal Grandmother were fabulous bakers and would often bake sweet treats as this was the way they showed their affection for people that they loved and cared about.  

I can admit to being a comfort eater as a child, however my Food Addiction escalated massively and I looked back at how and when that started? 

I developed physically at an early age and my periods started when I was only 11 years old. 

- KHJ PROMOTION -

 As a result of this I developed curves and what I would describe as a hourglass figure, a woman’s body but only at age11. 

I hated myself  as I was different to my friends, I saw my curves as fat and was desperate to have a straighter figure like my friends. 

 One comment that always sticks in my mind was from a boy in the playground he said to me “you would be a pretty girl if you were not fat”. 

I started attending aerobics classes in the evening with a friend of my Mum’s the “hot topic” of discussion within that group of women was their weight 

 They would praise the latest woman who had lost weight and ask in awe, “how did you mange it?”  It was always answered with the latest diet craze.  

This gave me the idea that a diet was what I needed to do to be the same as all of my friends! 

 I would go home and talk and nag my poor Mum about joining a slimming group but she told me I was “too young” but eventually she gave in and aged 14 I joined one.. 

 My Mum accompanied me there and I stood on the scales I weighed 10 stone (I am 5 foot 6 inches tall) and only weigh 9 stone 6 pounds now and am a dress size 10) My figure is pretty much the same as it was then. 

I was so nervous and anxious standing on the scales and I cried at my weight I felt disgusting. 

 I remember thinking to my self that my Mum must be so embarrassed having such a fat daughter. 

So that was where and when my food restriction began, Every week I anxiously stood on the scales, and at  the group weight loss was celebrated and everyone who lost weight got a round of applause. 

Food was given the label of “good “ or “bad” and it warped my mind about what I should and shouldn’t be eating. 

 Everything that my Mum and Gran baked was classed as “bad” so therefore I was not “allowed” to eat it. 

It was the beginning of my secret bingeing, I would hide food in my bedroom from my Mum as I didn’t want her to know I was being “bad” , I had already told myself she was ashamed of me. 

I would use my pocket money to buy sweet food from the local shop and hide it away and binge a large amount and then hide the wrappers. 

 I stopped losing weight at my weekly weigh-ins and cried every time. I would lie to the group leader and say I did not eat anything “bad or off plan”. 

Mum said we were wasting money so we left the slimming group and went on to try something else. 

We tried meal replacement shakes, so aged 14 I was given only 3 milkshakes a day to drink and no food. 

 A lady would come to my house and weigh me once a week and the first week I managed to stick to the plan rigidly and lost 4 pounds. 

 I was so happy and saw myself as being “good”, the weighing lady said that she would have expected a bigger loss on the first week, that made me feel sad and deflated. 

So inevitably the binges came back with a vengeance. 

 I was starving by the end of a school day and would come home and binge on Jam and toast, cereal, biscuits, anything really but my “drug” of choice was always sweet food. 

I medicated myself and my lack of self-worth with food to numb the pain. Stuffing down painful emotions. 

Over the years I tried several more diets but needless to say any weight that I lost was always quickly regained and a bit more each time. 

I had a health scare aged 26 and that was my big wake up call that I really had to make drastic changes to my eating habits and lack of any exercise.. 

 I made small changes one at a time and guess what?  

No diet was involved! 

 I have spent many years researching nutrition, attending courses, working on reframing my thoughts about my low self-esteem. 

 I now work with others to help them as binge eating is associated with a lot of guilt and shame and usually kept hidden from our loved ones. 

 This isolates the person and is a lonely experience.. So I run a support group Step by Step with Sarah- Jane. 

So are you a binge eater?  Have you asked yourself this?, Was dieting the cause of it? 

KHJ BOOK OF THE YEAR